BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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