We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
