I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
