I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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