Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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