My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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