I'm lost and stupid without you.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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