You're completely useless in the revolution.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
