You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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