i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
