Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
