thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i barfeds in our rink
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Rumble strips road head = magical
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?