You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
