I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
