eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
