first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
