When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
