If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
