My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
