My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My bed smells like the plague
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
