2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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