Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
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Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
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just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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