I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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