Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
