all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
