he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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