you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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