my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
