i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
