did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
