I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
