Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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