Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
