It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
