I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
