that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
