why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
