i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
