he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
