and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
