I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
