if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
