how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
