I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
