filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
