phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
