It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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