The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hippo gnu deer
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
