The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
