so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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