I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
