Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
