Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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