im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
