How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
