You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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