they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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