how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
